The fog came creeping and embraced the earth. I like the fog, it provides a smooth and comfortable atmosphere, no hard edges, just smooth round corners.
My passport arrived today.
I talked today about burnout with a woman I met for a while ago . Her way back was longer than mine. It took her nearly 9 years of pain, loneliness, abandonment, strength and struggle. We found each other directly. There are few who understand our journey and that was it we were talking about. How do we get others to understand that which we hid so well?
So much she said, was recognition between our journey. . She asked me to write a few words about our conversation. You know, ‘she said. They do not understand it, not even my family understands. They don’t even know who I am today. I am a strong woman today, far away from that one who was burned out for years.
We go through three different phases, she continue.
Phase one is before we collapse. But then we are so into the whirl and storms that we do not even know if we are tired and we did not hear the warning cries. There is the reason why we collapsed and is sad because mostly burned outs are strong and creative people who go into the wall so it slams on it. Yes, strong, she said emphatically. We who burn us out are none weak
When we are there, we are none. You know how it is Margareth, don’t you? I see it in your eyes. You understand as you where there too. We are like invisible creatures that live under the veil of mist. We struggle to breathe in the dark and stretches us against every shred of light to stumble over the railing into the abyss. During that time, we lose friends, we lose our jobs, we lose more than half our lives, we lose years of togetherness, we lose beautiful moments of life, we lose love, we even lose hate. Friends disappeared, she said with tears in her eyes. There were few who rang, it was like I did not exist anymore. Just a lump. But, she said, it was not just friends’ fault that they disappeared. I carried the guilt of that too. I could not stand myself, how would I cope with friends, how would I cope with the family. I could not keep a straight face that all was well. I I pulled myself away as an injured animal because it was exactly the way I felt. An injured animal who had desire to die.
Where we are now, she said, looking me straight in the eye and I felt how she could read me from head to toe.
We’ll build upp everything that collapsed, right? You with yours, I with mine. We are no longer the same people as before we went into the wall and we are no longer the same person we was during the time we were in the dark. We survived. We are no longer as strong, but we are no longer so weak. We are hardened.
We were silent for a long moment. She continued.
It’s like building a life from nothing with nothing. Contact with “old friends” gets wrong precisely because we are not longer the person we were. Confidence has been erased, you dare not really trust again. You start going out a little with small steps and try to find new friend but is not easy, not in my age. Everyone has their life. We lacks someone to talk to who understands, someone to hold on, someone to lean on after a long journey. Yeah, you know, friends and enemies to fuss with, she said, and laughed. Sometimes it’s feels that the fas three is the most difficult part of all. Sometimes I feel so lonely when I am sitting, watching TV and staring at nothing. You may be glad you have the art, she said. I wish I had something to fill my empty life.
Write so they understand. Please.